Afternoon.
Ok, lets go.
Work on Wednesday was interesting. Serve a customer as normal (well, as normal as you can get in that place), I shout, "who's next please?" (The 'Cashier Number 1, please' buttons have stopped working). Man in the queue clutches his chest and keels over. Not the best start to a shift ever really. Anyway, the ambulance was phoned. Now, when you phone an ambulance, they ask you where you are. Surely "Sainsbury's at Jacksons on Princes Ave" should be sufficient. It gives the road, and the location. Oh no. "Can you be more specific please?" "Ok, he's lying near the feminine hygiene products, one of his legs is resting against a stack of Stella and the other is kind of dangling between shelves." It's the only bloody Sainsbury's on the street, how hard can it be to find? It's not like its a massive road either! And surely the ambulance people who have some idea as to where it is anyway! Stupid.....Anyway, ambulance arrived (only took 2 minutes, can't have been that hard to find!) and took the poor chap to hospital. Last I heard he was doing alright.
Weather. How ridiculous does it want to be? Last week was bloody brilliant weather. Wall-to-wall sunshine, gentle breeze and just general niceness. Monday started the same, only to be interrupted by what can only be described as snow. What??? How? Why? I liked the sun! Sure, snow can be fun if it settles, but iff all it does is turn you into a snowman and ruin a perfectly good Subway sandwich, then it aint that great.
This country is on it's arse. Sorry to say, but it is. it's too PC, there's oo much of a 'gang culture' in big cities, and there are just things that make me either cringe or burst out laughing when i read them. For example: (From the BBC) "A couple living near the Alton Towers theme park in Staffordshire have told the High Court it is still too noisy." What? What the bloody hell do you expect, YOU LIVE NEAR A THEME PARK! I'm sure it was there before you moved in, it didn't just spring up one night, did it? You din't look out of the window, admiring the view, and suddenly BAM! 5 rollercoasters, some waltzers and a castle spring up. That didn't happen! In fact, there has been amusements on the site for over 100 years. And the noise level is apparently only 55 decibels, which, in my limited knowledge of noise, isn't a fantastically large amount. Apparently they have "Complained about the shrieksfrom people enjoying the theme park's white knuckle rides" I'm sorry but what do you expect them to do? "You are about to ride the Oblivion. Dare you experience the world's first vertical drop rollercoaster. Oh, and don't scream when you go down the drop, otherwise Mr. and Mrs. Roper will be round again, complaining about the noise" Takes the shine off a bit don't you think? If you don't like the noise, MOVE AWAY! I'm sure there are some thrill-seeking nutjobs who would love to live near it. Idiots.
Ok, that's it for now, later!
Wednesday, 21 March 2007
Thursday, 8 March 2007
Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby!
(ah ah ah ah ah ah)For those of you who think I've gone mad, it's a Kaiser Cheifs song that happens to be catchier than an STD in Freshers weeks.
Evening all. I honestly aren't sure what I'm blogging about, but i'll carry on, and who know's what we'll end up with.
Luck. People say you make your own luck in this world. If that is the case, then will someone PLEASE give me the recipe! (That said, unless it's a crude combination of butter and jam then it's beyond me, cooking-wise). OK, so it's not like my leg is falling off, or that i'm starving or anything, but i seem to be a victim of what is known as Murphy's Law, which states "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong." Take, for example, my recent trip to Barnsley. Upon getting on the bus after work to get to the station, i was charged £1.20, when all other bus journeys are either £1.10 or £1.15 (and of course, I only had £1.15 in change on me) so had to scrounge 5p off the only other person on the bus (a lady so old that it was impossible to tell where her wrinkles ended and her face began). Eventually I arrive at the station, and head to the machine that you buy tickets from. I entered where i wanted to go, then it asked me would I like a single, or a return. I press return, then pay, then wait for the tickets to print. And wait. And wait. And wait.........EVENTUALLY the machine decides to print off......one ticket. A single. Now, the Single/Return buttons were at totally opposite sides of the screen to each other, so there was no way I could have accidently pressed Single. Anyway, with only 5 minutes before my train was about to leave, I didn't have time to go find a member of staff and tell them their machine was shit (mostly because it is impossible to find members of staff at Hull Station), so I hopped on the train and headed to Barnsley. Only I had to change at Meadowhall. Which meant getting to Meadowhall in time to catch my connection, which anyone who has ever travelled on a train in this country knows is always a tricky job. And yes, as predicted, the train stopped in the middle of nowhere for no reason for 10 minutes (with no apology from the world's most Geordie train driver either), meaning my train got into Meadowhall at the same time the train from Meadowhall to Barnsley was due to leave. Anyway, in the hope that the train would be late (as EVERY train in this country is) I found a screen that told me which platform the train would be leaving from. Platform 4, I was told by Mr. Flickering Timetable Screen. I look around, platform 1, platform 2.......where the bloody hell are 3 and 4? According to Mrs. Information Kiosk, over a fecking huge hill behind platform 2. So one sprint later, i find my self coming over the hill (is it a monster, is it a monster? [sorry]) I see the 13:14 to Barnsley clunking off into the distance. Who puts a hill between stations? And then make people walk over it rather than through it? Idiots. Anyway, the resy of the day went without a hitch, besides me losing an unknown amount of money through my wallet being broken. Other things that have gone wrong include buying a chocolate bar that has only one strip of chocolate in rather than the 2 it should have, looking forward to a night out for ages only to have it cancelled by illness, the only day of the week when weather isshit being the day we want to play football (and that day being good the week we decide not to play) and just generally silly little things, like Spiders playing all the decent songs after I'd left, and missing the best lunar eclipse in years. It's annoying i tell you, annoying! Oh, and it looks like i'm not doing stand up any more, which sucks more than a hoover with an attitude problem.
Random questions:
1. Why would anyone buy real Jaffa Ckaes over the cheapo Sainsbury's ones, which are superior in every way?
2. Why are people allowed to make old songs into dance songs by speeding them up and adding a "dum dum dum dum" over it? I could do that! I heard some god-awful remix of a Savage Garden song on the bus the other day, which, besides its lack of any redeeming features, was described as "f**king banging" by a greasy, overweight, luminous hooded coat wearing chav. NOTHING should ever be described as being "f**king banging". Ever.
3. Organic Foods. What's the point? For example, how is bread not organic in the first place? Unless of course it's battery bread. I can just picture small bread buns in tiny cages being fed yeast until they grow into loaves of bread. The last time I looked, flour, salt, yeast, water and water are all natural, and therefore, organic! You can't have genetically modified salt! Plus, you pay more for these products that have had no expensive fertilisers used on them, just very cheap (if not free) cow crap used instead! How does that work?
4. Why are Cheesestrings so damn addictive, despite them never having seen a cow, let alone been made of real cheese?
5. Why are wallets so expensive? A decent one would have set me back about £15! I'd want there to be a tenner already in there for £15!
6. What ever happened to Mr. Motivator?
7. Someday you're going to realise that I'm passing you by. Song and Artist please.
8. Why are the best things in life always so bloody difficult to get?
9. Why is Time Team on at such a time in the morning, that I can be woken up by Matt watching it with the volume really loud?
10. I need a hug.
Later
Evening all. I honestly aren't sure what I'm blogging about, but i'll carry on, and who know's what we'll end up with.
Luck. People say you make your own luck in this world. If that is the case, then will someone PLEASE give me the recipe! (That said, unless it's a crude combination of butter and jam then it's beyond me, cooking-wise). OK, so it's not like my leg is falling off, or that i'm starving or anything, but i seem to be a victim of what is known as Murphy's Law, which states "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong." Take, for example, my recent trip to Barnsley. Upon getting on the bus after work to get to the station, i was charged £1.20, when all other bus journeys are either £1.10 or £1.15 (and of course, I only had £1.15 in change on me) so had to scrounge 5p off the only other person on the bus (a lady so old that it was impossible to tell where her wrinkles ended and her face began). Eventually I arrive at the station, and head to the machine that you buy tickets from. I entered where i wanted to go, then it asked me would I like a single, or a return. I press return, then pay, then wait for the tickets to print. And wait. And wait. And wait.........EVENTUALLY the machine decides to print off......one ticket. A single. Now, the Single/Return buttons were at totally opposite sides of the screen to each other, so there was no way I could have accidently pressed Single. Anyway, with only 5 minutes before my train was about to leave, I didn't have time to go find a member of staff and tell them their machine was shit (mostly because it is impossible to find members of staff at Hull Station), so I hopped on the train and headed to Barnsley. Only I had to change at Meadowhall. Which meant getting to Meadowhall in time to catch my connection, which anyone who has ever travelled on a train in this country knows is always a tricky job. And yes, as predicted, the train stopped in the middle of nowhere for no reason for 10 minutes (with no apology from the world's most Geordie train driver either), meaning my train got into Meadowhall at the same time the train from Meadowhall to Barnsley was due to leave. Anyway, in the hope that the train would be late (as EVERY train in this country is) I found a screen that told me which platform the train would be leaving from. Platform 4, I was told by Mr. Flickering Timetable Screen. I look around, platform 1, platform 2.......where the bloody hell are 3 and 4? According to Mrs. Information Kiosk, over a fecking huge hill behind platform 2. So one sprint later, i find my self coming over the hill (is it a monster, is it a monster? [sorry]) I see the 13:14 to Barnsley clunking off into the distance. Who puts a hill between stations? And then make people walk over it rather than through it? Idiots. Anyway, the resy of the day went without a hitch, besides me losing an unknown amount of money through my wallet being broken. Other things that have gone wrong include buying a chocolate bar that has only one strip of chocolate in rather than the 2 it should have, looking forward to a night out for ages only to have it cancelled by illness, the only day of the week when weather isshit being the day we want to play football (and that day being good the week we decide not to play) and just generally silly little things, like Spiders playing all the decent songs after I'd left, and missing the best lunar eclipse in years. It's annoying i tell you, annoying! Oh, and it looks like i'm not doing stand up any more, which sucks more than a hoover with an attitude problem.
Random questions:
1. Why would anyone buy real Jaffa Ckaes over the cheapo Sainsbury's ones, which are superior in every way?
2. Why are people allowed to make old songs into dance songs by speeding them up and adding a "dum dum dum dum" over it? I could do that! I heard some god-awful remix of a Savage Garden song on the bus the other day, which, besides its lack of any redeeming features, was described as "f**king banging" by a greasy, overweight, luminous hooded coat wearing chav. NOTHING should ever be described as being "f**king banging". Ever.
3. Organic Foods. What's the point? For example, how is bread not organic in the first place? Unless of course it's battery bread. I can just picture small bread buns in tiny cages being fed yeast until they grow into loaves of bread. The last time I looked, flour, salt, yeast, water and water are all natural, and therefore, organic! You can't have genetically modified salt! Plus, you pay more for these products that have had no expensive fertilisers used on them, just very cheap (if not free) cow crap used instead! How does that work?
4. Why are Cheesestrings so damn addictive, despite them never having seen a cow, let alone been made of real cheese?
5. Why are wallets so expensive? A decent one would have set me back about £15! I'd want there to be a tenner already in there for £15!
6. What ever happened to Mr. Motivator?
7. Someday you're going to realise that I'm passing you by. Song and Artist please.
8. Why are the best things in life always so bloody difficult to get?
9. Why is Time Team on at such a time in the morning, that I can be woken up by Matt watching it with the volume really loud?
10. I need a hug.
Later
Sunday, 18 February 2007
Valentine Schmalentine
Evening to all.
On Wednesday, I went to Leeds Metropolitan University (or Leeds Met for lazy people) to see Bowling For Soup, Wheatus, Son Of Dork (ahem!) and Army Of Freshmen, or collectivley, The Get Happy Tour. On top of that, I got to meet said bands after the show. Although Weatus had pneumonia, so didn't play or meet us after the show. Never mind.
Wednesday began like most Wednesdays, in a bed (more often than not, my bed. Ok, always my bed), with the sun beating through the window, waking me up precisely 2 minutes before my alarm goes off. (Ok, so the sun doesn't usually 'beat' down, more of a 'ah feck it, they can see, why get any brighter'. And my blind is broken. Again.) Except this Wednsday happened to be St. Valentine's Day (was he a saint? Or did I make that up?) Big Woop. After ambling downstairs, seeing that the only form of post just inside the front door was from kebab shops and letters to the guy who used to live here telling him he owes 02 loads of money, I shuffled into the kitchen, poured a bowl of cereal, realised the milk was at least a week out of date, binned cereal, poured glass of delicious (hmmm.....) Pear & Blackberry squash, drunk squash, realised i was wearing only my boxers, then shuffled back up to bed. Decided i couldn't be arsed with more sleep, engaged in some online Valentine's banter with online friends, went to "The Range". came back, wished people a happy valentines day, went to gig.
Now, I say 'went to gig', what i actually meant was, 'follow really shit directions to place i've never been in Leeds, get totally lost, only just m,ake it, leaving parent driving around Leeds trying to find somewhere to park'. Honestly, the directions we got (off the website of a reputable directions giving and breakdown assistance company) were what can only be described as a perfectly useless waste of a small tree. "Enter the gyratory system" Gyratory? What, we have to shake our booty and generally gyrate a bit now do we? "And the traffic signals, turn left" Ok, we're at the traffic signals. However, if we turn left here, we'll have an accident, and probably cause quite a bit of damage to this building. "At the square, keep going forwards, then turn right" What square? Forwards? What do you think we were doing, driving sideways? Turn right? Down what, the pavement? Anyway, after going the wrong way, then going the wrong way coming back from going the wrong way, then going what we thought was the right way but was actually the wrong way, we asked a taxi driver. Who sent us the wrong way. Again. We EVENTUALLY saw the only sign we'd seen for the university, and decided to bail out and go on foot. After finding the queue, queuing, getting in, seeing Wheatus weren't playing, listening to Sim stating the obvious. I decided a drink was in order. Apparently you need to have 18+ written on your hand to get a drink, so i found some bloke with a stamper to check my age and stamp my hand. For some reason everyone else got their hand stamped, then proceeded to buy lemonade. Hang on folks, last time I checked, lemonade was totally alcohol free. In fact, i'd go as far as saying that my desk contains more alcohol. And the fact that you all had decided not to drink alcohol for a week (and also decided not to inform me about this), so WHY BOTHER GETTING YOUR HAND STAMPED? Anyway, had fun at the gig, had fun meeting the bands, then had fun sleeping when i got home.
I found a 10 Euro Note about a month ago, and all it has been doing is clogging up my wallet, sitting there pretending to be a tenner and making me look like a right arse when I've been in shops. Now, anyone else would have found a ten pound note, and would have spent it by now. But me, oh no, I find a perfectly useless 10 Euro note, which I can only spend in Europe or Ireland (which will cost me more than the denomination of the note to get to to spend it). I can't chnage it anywhere becuase they all want about 84% commision, leaving me with precisely 48p (maybe). Will someone buy this stupid note off me?! (I believe £7 is the going rate)
On Wednesday, I went to Leeds Metropolitan University (or Leeds Met for lazy people) to see Bowling For Soup, Wheatus, Son Of Dork (ahem!) and Army Of Freshmen, or collectivley, The Get Happy Tour. On top of that, I got to meet said bands after the show. Although Weatus had pneumonia, so didn't play or meet us after the show. Never mind.
Wednesday began like most Wednesdays, in a bed (more often than not, my bed. Ok, always my bed), with the sun beating through the window, waking me up precisely 2 minutes before my alarm goes off. (Ok, so the sun doesn't usually 'beat' down, more of a 'ah feck it, they can see, why get any brighter'. And my blind is broken. Again.) Except this Wednsday happened to be St. Valentine's Day (was he a saint? Or did I make that up?) Big Woop. After ambling downstairs, seeing that the only form of post just inside the front door was from kebab shops and letters to the guy who used to live here telling him he owes 02 loads of money, I shuffled into the kitchen, poured a bowl of cereal, realised the milk was at least a week out of date, binned cereal, poured glass of delicious (hmmm.....) Pear & Blackberry squash, drunk squash, realised i was wearing only my boxers, then shuffled back up to bed. Decided i couldn't be arsed with more sleep, engaged in some online Valentine's banter with online friends, went to "The Range". came back, wished people a happy valentines day, went to gig.
Now, I say 'went to gig', what i actually meant was, 'follow really shit directions to place i've never been in Leeds, get totally lost, only just m,ake it, leaving parent driving around Leeds trying to find somewhere to park'. Honestly, the directions we got (off the website of a reputable directions giving and breakdown assistance company) were what can only be described as a perfectly useless waste of a small tree. "Enter the gyratory system" Gyratory? What, we have to shake our booty and generally gyrate a bit now do we? "And the traffic signals, turn left" Ok, we're at the traffic signals. However, if we turn left here, we'll have an accident, and probably cause quite a bit of damage to this building. "At the square, keep going forwards, then turn right" What square? Forwards? What do you think we were doing, driving sideways? Turn right? Down what, the pavement? Anyway, after going the wrong way, then going the wrong way coming back from going the wrong way, then going what we thought was the right way but was actually the wrong way, we asked a taxi driver. Who sent us the wrong way. Again. We EVENTUALLY saw the only sign we'd seen for the university, and decided to bail out and go on foot. After finding the queue, queuing, getting in, seeing Wheatus weren't playing, listening to Sim stating the obvious. I decided a drink was in order. Apparently you need to have 18+ written on your hand to get a drink, so i found some bloke with a stamper to check my age and stamp my hand. For some reason everyone else got their hand stamped, then proceeded to buy lemonade. Hang on folks, last time I checked, lemonade was totally alcohol free. In fact, i'd go as far as saying that my desk contains more alcohol. And the fact that you all had decided not to drink alcohol for a week (and also decided not to inform me about this), so WHY BOTHER GETTING YOUR HAND STAMPED? Anyway, had fun at the gig, had fun meeting the bands, then had fun sleeping when i got home.
I found a 10 Euro Note about a month ago, and all it has been doing is clogging up my wallet, sitting there pretending to be a tenner and making me look like a right arse when I've been in shops. Now, anyone else would have found a ten pound note, and would have spent it by now. But me, oh no, I find a perfectly useless 10 Euro note, which I can only spend in Europe or Ireland (which will cost me more than the denomination of the note to get to to spend it). I can't chnage it anywhere becuase they all want about 84% commision, leaving me with precisely 48p (maybe). Will someone buy this stupid note off me?! (I believe £7 is the going rate)
Sunday, 11 February 2007
It Is Fine To Smile, But Also To Cry
Evenin' all.
The title of this blog came from a fortune cookie I got with my Chinese earlier this evening. I have a problem with this. Firstly, how, in any way, shape, or form, in any dimension, viewed from any angle through any strength of lens, can that be construed as a fortune? When I crack open a fortune cookie, I expect something like 'you will find love with a new woman', or in my case 'not a chance mate, she's far too good for you' (would a chinese fortune cookie really referto you as its mate?). What I got, was some kind of statement, with a smiley face before and afetr the text. Which, in itself, is contradictory of the fortune. And fortune cookies are bloody awful. If I was in charge of fortune cookies, they'd be proper choc chips efforts with proper fortunes in, not any of this philospohical nonsense. People want their fortune cookie to tell them if they're gonna win the lottery, not that its ok to cry and smile.
Wine. More particularly, Rose wine (i know rose should have an accent over the 'e' but i don't know how to do one, alright?) Even more particularly, men who drink rose wine in pubs. STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! Get a pint down you for Christ sake! You can tell the people who will drink rose (which is actually one of the worst substances I've ever had the misfortune of ingesting. And i've drunk Lilt Light, which tastes like I should be cleaning my paintbrushes in it) by what they're wearing. They can tell they think they're really individual and unique, when in reality, they all look the same. A pink/stripey/both t-shirt, their girlfriends jeans, Converse shoes (black only though), scarf even though they're clearly inside a nice, warm, heated, not in the slightest bit cold public house (take it off! Grrr!) and a belt that looks like it's sole purpose is to hold their arse in place, rather than their jeans (which of course, being a size 6, don't need any holding in place, as they are pretty much vacuum-sealed to the skin). You don't look 'individual', you look like a twat. Especially now you have a glass of pink stuff in your hand. They might as well be drinking a candy floss flavoured Panda Pop (remember those? How nice were they?!?!) Men should be banned from drinking rose wine. I havent a problem if its a glass of white or red with a meal, or sharing a bottle of plonk with their girlfriend on a night out, but not having a bottle of White Zinfandel EACH on a lads night out. Put it down, save yourself money, the enevitabley god-awful hangover that wine enduces, and just the whole embarrassment of actually drinking something the same colour as your 'salmon' coloured (it's pink, stop passing it off as a fish) top, and just get a pint down your neck. Or even a spirit/mixer combination. Shoot, even drink some Mercury if you have to, just step away from the wine.
While I'm hovering around the subject of effeminate looking blokes, what's with mens fashion these days? It is either something pink, something with stripes on, or a combination of the two. I look like an idiot in stripes, and I refuse to wear pink, at risk of looking like a Grade-A pillock. I can't pull of most of the t-shirts that dont have stripes or pink on as they seem to have really short sleeves, and I have stupidly long arms, which means i look like a wally. If I wear a tank top over a white shirt i'll be able to lie on a zebra crossing and blend in, which can't be a good look and ANYONE (women included) caught wearing a Gilet of any description should be made to walk around wearing only a potato sack for crimes against fashion. (honestly, gilets, or body warmers are pointless. This may sound daft, but the bit of me that i tend to want to be warm, is my arms, hence rendering bodywarmers stupid. So there). As a result, i'm left with all my band t-shirts and football shirts, and thats it. I have nothing in a smart/casual style, which usually winds up with me looking foolishly under-dressed for occassions ( i don't go naked, that'd scare people, i mean compared with people looking smart). Any suggestions would be greatly welcome. Only if the suggestions dont result in me spending more than a tenner a tshirt though. I'm not made of money.
I'm doing stand-up next month. I'm not quite sure how I ended being the only person I know doing it, but I have. And if i'm being honest, I'm bricking it. In fact, i'm bricking it that much, that pretty soon i'll have bricked it enough to have bricked myself into my room and not have to do it! I've realised that it's bloody hard to be funny when you're trying to be funny, but easy when you're not. Which doesnt bode well, as the last time I looked, the point of stand up comedy, is to be funny. If anyone could lend me a joke or two, that'd be appreciated (send them privatley though, don't want people stealing things now, do we?)
I still haven't played Battleships with anyone yet. I bought it for 50p from work (it's good as well, not some tack crap. Was reduced from a fiver!) about 3 weeks ago and still no-one has given me a game! It's sat collecting dust. I just stare at it longingly, imagining playing people (B7. Miss. C$. Hit. Woo yeah! etc) So here's an open inviation, for anyone to knock on my door at any time and play me at Battleships. And if worst comes to worst, i'll put it in my bag and start challenging people in the libary at uni to a game.
Ok, last thing (blimey, I go on a bit, don't I?). Apparently, it's Valentine's Day on Wednesday. i'll admit I've spent since Thursday thinking it's Hallowe'en for some reason, but that's my problem. Anyway, I don't like Valentine's Day. I never have. It's just an excuse to pay lot of money for pieces of folded, printed card (I swear I saw one the other day going for £9. £9, for a card. You might as well buy her something she might actually like for that!). That and for people to get overly sentimental and slushy for one day a year, so they can go back to hating each other on the 15th. Do you know what I'm doing for Valentine's Day? Nope, not sod all, as you may have expected, but I'm in Leeds to see Bowling For Soup live. Wich I imagine will be infinatley more fun that doing what I'd be doing otherwise, which would be being at work, surrounded by people glued to each other's faces, stpping only to buy 20 Marlboro Lights (why do all students that smoke, smoke Marlboro Lights? They're the most expensive, call yourself students?! Oh, I forgot, Mummy and Daddy are paying for you, so it doesnt matter). ANYway, where was I? Ah yes, Cupidfest 2007. I actually thought about why I disliked Valentines so much, and then it hit me. Maybe it's because i've never been with anyone when a Valentine's day has come around. Maybe it really is a day when couples can feel really happy and express their love through the medium of Sainsbury's Fudge. Maybe I need to find out if this is true. Maybe I need a Valentine to stop me being this bitter, twisted, slightly in need of a shave, guy who hates Valentines day? Maybe. Although I'm at BFS this year, so if by sheer fluke there is someone out there stupid enough to want to get all Valentiney with me, you're gonna have to wait till the 15th I'm afraid. Sorry.
The title of this blog came from a fortune cookie I got with my Chinese earlier this evening. I have a problem with this. Firstly, how, in any way, shape, or form, in any dimension, viewed from any angle through any strength of lens, can that be construed as a fortune? When I crack open a fortune cookie, I expect something like 'you will find love with a new woman', or in my case 'not a chance mate, she's far too good for you' (would a chinese fortune cookie really referto you as its mate?). What I got, was some kind of statement, with a smiley face before and afetr the text. Which, in itself, is contradictory of the fortune. And fortune cookies are bloody awful. If I was in charge of fortune cookies, they'd be proper choc chips efforts with proper fortunes in, not any of this philospohical nonsense. People want their fortune cookie to tell them if they're gonna win the lottery, not that its ok to cry and smile.
Wine. More particularly, Rose wine (i know rose should have an accent over the 'e' but i don't know how to do one, alright?) Even more particularly, men who drink rose wine in pubs. STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! Get a pint down you for Christ sake! You can tell the people who will drink rose (which is actually one of the worst substances I've ever had the misfortune of ingesting. And i've drunk Lilt Light, which tastes like I should be cleaning my paintbrushes in it) by what they're wearing. They can tell they think they're really individual and unique, when in reality, they all look the same. A pink/stripey/both t-shirt, their girlfriends jeans, Converse shoes (black only though), scarf even though they're clearly inside a nice, warm, heated, not in the slightest bit cold public house (take it off! Grrr!) and a belt that looks like it's sole purpose is to hold their arse in place, rather than their jeans (which of course, being a size 6, don't need any holding in place, as they are pretty much vacuum-sealed to the skin). You don't look 'individual', you look like a twat. Especially now you have a glass of pink stuff in your hand. They might as well be drinking a candy floss flavoured Panda Pop (remember those? How nice were they?!?!) Men should be banned from drinking rose wine. I havent a problem if its a glass of white or red with a meal, or sharing a bottle of plonk with their girlfriend on a night out, but not having a bottle of White Zinfandel EACH on a lads night out. Put it down, save yourself money, the enevitabley god-awful hangover that wine enduces, and just the whole embarrassment of actually drinking something the same colour as your 'salmon' coloured (it's pink, stop passing it off as a fish) top, and just get a pint down your neck. Or even a spirit/mixer combination. Shoot, even drink some Mercury if you have to, just step away from the wine.
While I'm hovering around the subject of effeminate looking blokes, what's with mens fashion these days? It is either something pink, something with stripes on, or a combination of the two. I look like an idiot in stripes, and I refuse to wear pink, at risk of looking like a Grade-A pillock. I can't pull of most of the t-shirts that dont have stripes or pink on as they seem to have really short sleeves, and I have stupidly long arms, which means i look like a wally. If I wear a tank top over a white shirt i'll be able to lie on a zebra crossing and blend in, which can't be a good look and ANYONE (women included) caught wearing a Gilet of any description should be made to walk around wearing only a potato sack for crimes against fashion. (honestly, gilets, or body warmers are pointless. This may sound daft, but the bit of me that i tend to want to be warm, is my arms, hence rendering bodywarmers stupid. So there). As a result, i'm left with all my band t-shirts and football shirts, and thats it. I have nothing in a smart/casual style, which usually winds up with me looking foolishly under-dressed for occassions ( i don't go naked, that'd scare people, i mean compared with people looking smart). Any suggestions would be greatly welcome. Only if the suggestions dont result in me spending more than a tenner a tshirt though. I'm not made of money.
I'm doing stand-up next month. I'm not quite sure how I ended being the only person I know doing it, but I have. And if i'm being honest, I'm bricking it. In fact, i'm bricking it that much, that pretty soon i'll have bricked it enough to have bricked myself into my room and not have to do it! I've realised that it's bloody hard to be funny when you're trying to be funny, but easy when you're not. Which doesnt bode well, as the last time I looked, the point of stand up comedy, is to be funny. If anyone could lend me a joke or two, that'd be appreciated (send them privatley though, don't want people stealing things now, do we?)
I still haven't played Battleships with anyone yet. I bought it for 50p from work (it's good as well, not some tack crap. Was reduced from a fiver!) about 3 weeks ago and still no-one has given me a game! It's sat collecting dust. I just stare at it longingly, imagining playing people (B7. Miss. C$. Hit. Woo yeah! etc) So here's an open inviation, for anyone to knock on my door at any time and play me at Battleships. And if worst comes to worst, i'll put it in my bag and start challenging people in the libary at uni to a game.
Ok, last thing (blimey, I go on a bit, don't I?). Apparently, it's Valentine's Day on Wednesday. i'll admit I've spent since Thursday thinking it's Hallowe'en for some reason, but that's my problem. Anyway, I don't like Valentine's Day. I never have. It's just an excuse to pay lot of money for pieces of folded, printed card (I swear I saw one the other day going for £9. £9, for a card. You might as well buy her something she might actually like for that!). That and for people to get overly sentimental and slushy for one day a year, so they can go back to hating each other on the 15th. Do you know what I'm doing for Valentine's Day? Nope, not sod all, as you may have expected, but I'm in Leeds to see Bowling For Soup live. Wich I imagine will be infinatley more fun that doing what I'd be doing otherwise, which would be being at work, surrounded by people glued to each other's faces, stpping only to buy 20 Marlboro Lights (why do all students that smoke, smoke Marlboro Lights? They're the most expensive, call yourself students?! Oh, I forgot, Mummy and Daddy are paying for you, so it doesnt matter). ANYway, where was I? Ah yes, Cupidfest 2007. I actually thought about why I disliked Valentines so much, and then it hit me. Maybe it's because i've never been with anyone when a Valentine's day has come around. Maybe it really is a day when couples can feel really happy and express their love through the medium of Sainsbury's Fudge. Maybe I need to find out if this is true. Maybe I need a Valentine to stop me being this bitter, twisted, slightly in need of a shave, guy who hates Valentines day? Maybe. Although I'm at BFS this year, so if by sheer fluke there is someone out there stupid enough to want to get all Valentiney with me, you're gonna have to wait till the 15th I'm afraid. Sorry.
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Beer (To the tune of Rose by The Feeling)
You and your friends
In 6-Packs again
Cool to the touch
But warm in some pubs
Cider to your left
Bitter to your right
Are drinks that I've seen
But I know that the beer that I seek
Lies right in-between
Beer
I want ya
Especially today
Beer
I want your manlier taste
Your better than wine
You taste so damn fine
Again and again
You may taste like crap
When poured from a tap
By a rubbish barmaid
But I couldnt care
The taste that i need is the taste you made
I won't be afraid
Now your in control
But you'll make me pay
Beer,
I need you,
Especially today,
Beer,
I've had a terrible day.
I don't care if your Dutch
'Cos you don't cost that much
You're not wine that's red
You've got much better head
I think amber's my colour
I wont drink from no other
Never!
Oh your gorgeous
I want you today
In every way
Oh Beer
I want ya
I want you today
Beer
I love your manlier way.
In 6-Packs again
Cool to the touch
But warm in some pubs
Cider to your left
Bitter to your right
Are drinks that I've seen
But I know that the beer that I seek
Lies right in-between
Beer
I want ya
Especially today
Beer
I want your manlier taste
Your better than wine
You taste so damn fine
Again and again
You may taste like crap
When poured from a tap
By a rubbish barmaid
But I couldnt care
The taste that i need is the taste you made
I won't be afraid
Now your in control
But you'll make me pay
Beer,
I need you,
Especially today,
Beer,
I've had a terrible day.
I don't care if your Dutch
'Cos you don't cost that much
You're not wine that's red
You've got much better head
I think amber's my colour
I wont drink from no other
Never!
Oh your gorgeous
I want you today
In every way
Oh Beer
I want ya
I want you today
Beer
I love your manlier way.
Wednesday, 31 January 2007
25 Things to do instead of revision
This was written a couple of weeks ago, but could use an apperance on here
1. Clean
Being a student, living in a student house with other students, things become messy, dirty and otherwise in need of buffing, hoovering, tidying, polishing, waxing, binning or otherwise being made cleaner (how does binning something make it cleaner? meh) And seeing as there will always be something to clean, then revision can be avoided thusly. Although after a while, the fumes from the various cleaning products will take their toll, and you'll be hallucinating for the entire evening. Plus your back will be in a permanent curve and your cleaning hand will be redder than an albino in the Bahamas
2. Surf
Depending on if your Australian or not, this can take 2 different forms: grabbing a piece of ludicrously coloured foam with fins on the bottom, pulling yourself into an outfit so unbeliveably tight that it was last seen in a bondage movie, then going to your nearest piece of lumpy water and dodging the sharks; or the more sensible option, sitting at an Internet at wasting your day. Seeing as I am very much not Australian, and if I took a surf board on the Humber it would most likely dissolve, you can guess which one i've been doing.
3. Sleep
Why not? It requires next to no effort, it's (relatively) comfortable (depending on state of matress) and it makes the hours fly by. Unless you forget to turn your alarm off and you get rudely woken up.
4. Doodle
Three things required: an implemenet for drawing (pen, pencil, crayon, felt tip, knife, your own blood, Mr. Sheen), something to draw on (paper, envelope, useless lotto ticket, the wall, the desk, your own forehead) and the imagination of a 6-year-old. Marvel as you draw flags, cars, band logos, desert islands, comic strips, cubes, your name a thousand times and various other crap.
5. Organise Stuff
Put your Cd's in alphabetical order, the order of year released, then in order of how crap they are. Sort your clothes into colour groups, then hang them in the order of the rainbow. File your boxer shorts so that they rank in order from 'Night On The Pull' to 'Crap, these are the last pair, best do some washing'. Arrange your food into 4 groups: Squishy, Mouldy, Not Food and This would hurt if you threw it at someone.
6. Hunt For Loose Change
Look high and low, there's pennies to be found! Start at the sofa (obviously) then move further afield. The washing machine, your housemates rooms, your room, your pockets, your wallet, the street, the local shop, the bank and the Royal Mint. Look hard enough and you'll be loaded! (or in prison. Either way)
7. Sit On A Bench
And watch the world pass by. Rank people on whether you would sleep with them or not (be as shallow as you like, its your mind, no-one cares), make up background stories for strangers as they pass by. That way, Dave the Butcher can become Dave Forrelli, Mafia Goon, and Chardonnay the Chav can become.......Chardonnay the Chav. Count people wearing gilet's, spot the number of people wearing trackie bottoms tucked into their socks, spit paper at passers by through a biro casing.
8. Go Into The City Centre
And window shop. Or better still, annoy staff. I get it all the time from customers at work, why shouldn't I be annoying? Go into Burtons, try on every single pair of jeans (even the ones not in your size) the leave them in a pile in the changing booth. Ask to see the most expensive thing in a jewlers then drop it 'accidently'. Pester the Big Issue man. Stop and talk to the people doing surveys in the street and give them stupid answers. Go into a toy shop and press all of the 'Try Me' buttons on the toys, just to see how loud they go. Feed the pigeons. Feed the homeless. Feed yourself. Start a gang fight between chavs and emos.
9. Watch A DVD Boxset Non-Stop
And see how long it is before you a) Need the toilet; b) Need a drink c) It gets dark d) Your eyes go square from watching too much telly e) Rigor mortis sets in. Anyone doing a '24' Marathon is to be highly commended.
10. Go 'David Attenborough' And Search For Animals
You can use this handy check-list. Next door's cat, Next door's dog, Next door's budgie, Next door's daughter, a squirrel, a bird (all birds in this country are exactly the same, no matter what Bill Oddie tells you), 2 birds, a mouse/rat, a chicken (Sainsbury's is usually a good place to find these. Right next to the Beef), a moose (why not) and a sloth (usually yourself. You're avoiding revision, that counts as slothful to me)
11. Start A Protest
Doesn't matter what you protest against. At all. But make sure that you protest group name has a witty name. Something like Fathers Against Rude Television (FART) or something similar. Or protest against everything. Carry a signa round saying 'Down With Everything' or 'Everything Sucks'. Even better, protest against your revision. Get Lego men to march around your text books chanting 'Down With Exams'. Or not, that's a bit too weird.
12. Become A Youtube Star
Take one videocamera, a song you know all the words to and *bam*, your own Youtube-esque video. Seriously, it's full of teenage girls and nerdy boys lipsynching along to some song or the other. Makes you wonder who watches them. Alternatively, get quite drunk, and jump of something and hurt yourself. That way people the world over can watch you make a total tit of yourself, and think to themselves "at least I'm not as big an idiot as this guy"
13. Play Online Poker
Find an Internet, find an online poker site (easy, sit there for 10 minutes with your pop-up blocker turned off, at least 90 will appear), enter a random credit card number (repeat till successful), give yourself a witty poker name (PokRg0d or something) and there you go. By the way, some knowledge of how poker is played helps. Otherwise you're just gonna waste someone elses money, and where's the fun in that?
14. Try Online Dating
Along with the old Poker Room, and XXX Movie pop-ups that flood your computer screen, there'll usually be one for online dating. Try it. Who knows, it mighht be the start of something great. Don't forget that none of these people are what they seem. So when filling in your profile 'bend the truth' a little. Make yourself a few inches taller, a little more muscley, give yourself a better job, add some letters after your name to make you sound really clever (preferably something like PhD, not PLANK) and make up interest. Just because you dont actually like looking after sick animals, volunteering at the homeless shelter and bathing old people at the retirement home, doesn't mean that other people don't like people who do. I mean, let's be honest, if you put that you're a 5'6" lard arse who drinkis like a fish and smokes like a chimney, no-ones gonna want to eDate you. They know your lying, because they are too. She's not a 6ft leggy blonde called Anneka, she's a short fat lass called Jill.
15. Play Computer Games
There's nothing like a good videogame to while away the hours. I mean, what would you rather do, blow up an alien spaceship and save the world, or try to memorise how to do an external audit? Exactly. The most time consuming games are ones with 'Tycoon', 'Theme' or 'Grand Theft Auto' in the title. Rollercoaster Tycoon is a brilliant way to not revise. Theme Goat Farm is probably really good. Yoghurt Tycoon is probably a bit rubbish though.
16. Take A Really, Really Long Shower
I'm talking 2 hours here. Just stand there under the water and think of things. Watch the water drip off yourself. Sit down, just to see what it's like to sit in a shower. Put the plug in, and marvel as you end up ankle deep in your own filthy water. Test your pain threshold by slowly turning the temperature. Lie down and let the white noise of the shower slowly soothe you (or is that just me who finds white noise calming?) Make comedy beards out of suds. Use an entire bottle of shower gel. Pretend you're in a monsoon. It'll all be worth it when you get out the most relaxed person in the world, just to see your housemates standing cross legged outside the bathroom, giving them a taste of what its like when they do it to you.
17. Listen To A New Radio Station
Not just one of those other commercial ones. I mean switch to AM, MW or LW, and slowly checking every single frequency to see what wonders you may uncover. You may find the delights of a rather lonely man talking to himself, or a radio station that plays "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith over and over again. You might find Radio Luxembourg, which plays "Only The Best In Cheesey European Crap Every Single Day" If you're lucky you'll discover a police or taxi firm's frequency, which is the most addictive thing ever. Listening to what the police are doing is like a reality TV show, but on the radio, and actually real! "We've got a group of Chavs standing around doing nothing, we should go investigate"
18. Dance
The Hokey Cokey, The YMCA, The Bop, The Bounce, The Shuffle, The Swank, The Robot, The Macarena, The Ballroom Blitz, The "Generic Pop Hit That Has Dance Moves", The Mosh, The Linedance, The Pogo, The Dad Dance, The Mum Dance, The Old Lady Shuffle, The Walking To The Dancefloor Dance, The Peppermint Twist, The Two Left Feet, The Aeroplane, The Blitzkreig Bop, Salsa, Rhumba, Ballroom, Waltz, Jive, Mambo, Jumbo, Stagger, All The Ones From Grease and that one from Saturday Night Fever. All perfectly acceptable forms of avoiding revision.
19. Inahle Helium
Because you can. And should. No-one should go through their life without hearing what they sound like on helium. And don't say "Oh, it doesn't work on me" It does. You're just doing it wrong. Inhale loads, pause, talk normally, don't breathe in heavily. There you go, Mr. Squeaky Voice. Things to do with a squeaky voice: Laugh, see how high you can go, sing a Kooks song and generally make other people laugh. Anyone that doesnt find helium funny doesnt have a sense of humour.
20. Make A List
Your favourite songs, everyone in your year at school, everything in your room, the things you can see from your window, the people you've beaten at online poker, all the people you've properly upset in your life, a 'My Name Is Earl' style list, a list of your favourite movies, a list of your favourite cheeses, a thankyou list, a thanks for nothing list, a list of lists, a list of things to do instead of revision, a list of people (no-one in particular, just people), a list of all the German words you know, a list of swearwords, a list of practical jokes, a list of the lengths of all of you socks, a list of the various types of mould growing in your cupboards, a list of all the things you could throw at you lecturer during lectures, a list of reasons why Top Gear is the best TV programme ever, a list of reasons why Big Brother isn't.
21. Explore Your Feminine Side
Or masculine side if your a woman. Which I'm not. The title of this could also be 'come out of the closet' but hey, you're avoiding revision, desperate times call for desperate measures. Grab a tube of foundation and smear it on to such an extent that you can no longer define the curves your face has. Go overboard with blusher, mascara, lipstick, eyeliner, nail varnish, body glitter, concealer, eyebrow pencil, cement, WD-40, Ronseal and anything else you can find in your sisters makeup box. Then take an hour to do your hair, another hour to decide which outfit to wear, then sit and read Heat magazine, go have a manicure, drink wine and generally gossip for no reason. Women can grow their stubble, scratch their backsides, spend Saturdays glued to the football, drinking beer, eating crisps, talking about breasts and explosions and stuff.
22. Paint A Fence
Because nothing says "I have nothing better to be doing" than getting out a paintbrush and painting a fence, the surrounding grass and plants, your shoes and the next-door neighbours cat bright red.
23. Spray Your Kitchen Floor With Furniture Polish, Then Slide On It In Your Socks
Just because.
24. Race Trolleys Round A Supermarket
This helps if you have friends, which after doing Number 21, you might not have. For this you will need £2 (to get the trolleys) a Tesco (or similar) and nerves of steel. You'll need to plan a course first, preferably starting at the elecrical goods and ending up near the frozen stuff at the other end. Start side by side, and race along the suggested route, picking up certain items on the way (to show you aren't cheating) first one to get caught by a security guard, crash into a huge stack of baked beans or generally injure themself loses, and has to pay for the shopping.
25. Blog
This has taken me ages. I can't think of a better way to waste time!
1. Clean
Being a student, living in a student house with other students, things become messy, dirty and otherwise in need of buffing, hoovering, tidying, polishing, waxing, binning or otherwise being made cleaner (how does binning something make it cleaner? meh) And seeing as there will always be something to clean, then revision can be avoided thusly. Although after a while, the fumes from the various cleaning products will take their toll, and you'll be hallucinating for the entire evening. Plus your back will be in a permanent curve and your cleaning hand will be redder than an albino in the Bahamas
2. Surf
Depending on if your Australian or not, this can take 2 different forms: grabbing a piece of ludicrously coloured foam with fins on the bottom, pulling yourself into an outfit so unbeliveably tight that it was last seen in a bondage movie, then going to your nearest piece of lumpy water and dodging the sharks; or the more sensible option, sitting at an Internet at wasting your day. Seeing as I am very much not Australian, and if I took a surf board on the Humber it would most likely dissolve, you can guess which one i've been doing.
3. Sleep
Why not? It requires next to no effort, it's (relatively) comfortable (depending on state of matress) and it makes the hours fly by. Unless you forget to turn your alarm off and you get rudely woken up.
4. Doodle
Three things required: an implemenet for drawing (pen, pencil, crayon, felt tip, knife, your own blood, Mr. Sheen), something to draw on (paper, envelope, useless lotto ticket, the wall, the desk, your own forehead) and the imagination of a 6-year-old. Marvel as you draw flags, cars, band logos, desert islands, comic strips, cubes, your name a thousand times and various other crap.
5. Organise Stuff
Put your Cd's in alphabetical order, the order of year released, then in order of how crap they are. Sort your clothes into colour groups, then hang them in the order of the rainbow. File your boxer shorts so that they rank in order from 'Night On The Pull' to 'Crap, these are the last pair, best do some washing'. Arrange your food into 4 groups: Squishy, Mouldy, Not Food and This would hurt if you threw it at someone.
6. Hunt For Loose Change
Look high and low, there's pennies to be found! Start at the sofa (obviously) then move further afield. The washing machine, your housemates rooms, your room, your pockets, your wallet, the street, the local shop, the bank and the Royal Mint. Look hard enough and you'll be loaded! (or in prison. Either way)
7. Sit On A Bench
And watch the world pass by. Rank people on whether you would sleep with them or not (be as shallow as you like, its your mind, no-one cares), make up background stories for strangers as they pass by. That way, Dave the Butcher can become Dave Forrelli, Mafia Goon, and Chardonnay the Chav can become.......Chardonnay the Chav. Count people wearing gilet's, spot the number of people wearing trackie bottoms tucked into their socks, spit paper at passers by through a biro casing.
8. Go Into The City Centre
And window shop. Or better still, annoy staff. I get it all the time from customers at work, why shouldn't I be annoying? Go into Burtons, try on every single pair of jeans (even the ones not in your size) the leave them in a pile in the changing booth. Ask to see the most expensive thing in a jewlers then drop it 'accidently'. Pester the Big Issue man. Stop and talk to the people doing surveys in the street and give them stupid answers. Go into a toy shop and press all of the 'Try Me' buttons on the toys, just to see how loud they go. Feed the pigeons. Feed the homeless. Feed yourself. Start a gang fight between chavs and emos.
9. Watch A DVD Boxset Non-Stop
And see how long it is before you a) Need the toilet; b) Need a drink c) It gets dark d) Your eyes go square from watching too much telly e) Rigor mortis sets in. Anyone doing a '24' Marathon is to be highly commended.
10. Go 'David Attenborough' And Search For Animals
You can use this handy check-list. Next door's cat, Next door's dog, Next door's budgie, Next door's daughter, a squirrel, a bird (all birds in this country are exactly the same, no matter what Bill Oddie tells you), 2 birds, a mouse/rat, a chicken (Sainsbury's is usually a good place to find these. Right next to the Beef), a moose (why not) and a sloth (usually yourself. You're avoiding revision, that counts as slothful to me)
11. Start A Protest
Doesn't matter what you protest against. At all. But make sure that you protest group name has a witty name. Something like Fathers Against Rude Television (FART) or something similar. Or protest against everything. Carry a signa round saying 'Down With Everything' or 'Everything Sucks'. Even better, protest against your revision. Get Lego men to march around your text books chanting 'Down With Exams'. Or not, that's a bit too weird.
12. Become A Youtube Star
Take one videocamera, a song you know all the words to and *bam*, your own Youtube-esque video. Seriously, it's full of teenage girls and nerdy boys lipsynching along to some song or the other. Makes you wonder who watches them. Alternatively, get quite drunk, and jump of something and hurt yourself. That way people the world over can watch you make a total tit of yourself, and think to themselves "at least I'm not as big an idiot as this guy"
13. Play Online Poker
Find an Internet, find an online poker site (easy, sit there for 10 minutes with your pop-up blocker turned off, at least 90 will appear), enter a random credit card number (repeat till successful), give yourself a witty poker name (PokRg0d or something) and there you go. By the way, some knowledge of how poker is played helps. Otherwise you're just gonna waste someone elses money, and where's the fun in that?
14. Try Online Dating
Along with the old Poker Room, and XXX Movie pop-ups that flood your computer screen, there'll usually be one for online dating. Try it. Who knows, it mighht be the start of something great. Don't forget that none of these people are what they seem. So when filling in your profile 'bend the truth' a little. Make yourself a few inches taller, a little more muscley, give yourself a better job, add some letters after your name to make you sound really clever (preferably something like PhD, not PLANK) and make up interest. Just because you dont actually like looking after sick animals, volunteering at the homeless shelter and bathing old people at the retirement home, doesn't mean that other people don't like people who do. I mean, let's be honest, if you put that you're a 5'6" lard arse who drinkis like a fish and smokes like a chimney, no-ones gonna want to eDate you. They know your lying, because they are too. She's not a 6ft leggy blonde called Anneka, she's a short fat lass called Jill.
15. Play Computer Games
There's nothing like a good videogame to while away the hours. I mean, what would you rather do, blow up an alien spaceship and save the world, or try to memorise how to do an external audit? Exactly. The most time consuming games are ones with 'Tycoon', 'Theme' or 'Grand Theft Auto' in the title. Rollercoaster Tycoon is a brilliant way to not revise. Theme Goat Farm is probably really good. Yoghurt Tycoon is probably a bit rubbish though.
16. Take A Really, Really Long Shower
I'm talking 2 hours here. Just stand there under the water and think of things. Watch the water drip off yourself. Sit down, just to see what it's like to sit in a shower. Put the plug in, and marvel as you end up ankle deep in your own filthy water. Test your pain threshold by slowly turning the temperature. Lie down and let the white noise of the shower slowly soothe you (or is that just me who finds white noise calming?) Make comedy beards out of suds. Use an entire bottle of shower gel. Pretend you're in a monsoon. It'll all be worth it when you get out the most relaxed person in the world, just to see your housemates standing cross legged outside the bathroom, giving them a taste of what its like when they do it to you.
17. Listen To A New Radio Station
Not just one of those other commercial ones. I mean switch to AM, MW or LW, and slowly checking every single frequency to see what wonders you may uncover. You may find the delights of a rather lonely man talking to himself, or a radio station that plays "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith over and over again. You might find Radio Luxembourg, which plays "Only The Best In Cheesey European Crap Every Single Day" If you're lucky you'll discover a police or taxi firm's frequency, which is the most addictive thing ever. Listening to what the police are doing is like a reality TV show, but on the radio, and actually real! "We've got a group of Chavs standing around doing nothing, we should go investigate"
18. Dance
The Hokey Cokey, The YMCA, The Bop, The Bounce, The Shuffle, The Swank, The Robot, The Macarena, The Ballroom Blitz, The "Generic Pop Hit That Has Dance Moves", The Mosh, The Linedance, The Pogo, The Dad Dance, The Mum Dance, The Old Lady Shuffle, The Walking To The Dancefloor Dance, The Peppermint Twist, The Two Left Feet, The Aeroplane, The Blitzkreig Bop, Salsa, Rhumba, Ballroom, Waltz, Jive, Mambo, Jumbo, Stagger, All The Ones From Grease and that one from Saturday Night Fever. All perfectly acceptable forms of avoiding revision.
19. Inahle Helium
Because you can. And should. No-one should go through their life without hearing what they sound like on helium. And don't say "Oh, it doesn't work on me" It does. You're just doing it wrong. Inhale loads, pause, talk normally, don't breathe in heavily. There you go, Mr. Squeaky Voice. Things to do with a squeaky voice: Laugh, see how high you can go, sing a Kooks song and generally make other people laugh. Anyone that doesnt find helium funny doesnt have a sense of humour.
20. Make A List
Your favourite songs, everyone in your year at school, everything in your room, the things you can see from your window, the people you've beaten at online poker, all the people you've properly upset in your life, a 'My Name Is Earl' style list, a list of your favourite movies, a list of your favourite cheeses, a thankyou list, a thanks for nothing list, a list of lists, a list of things to do instead of revision, a list of people (no-one in particular, just people), a list of all the German words you know, a list of swearwords, a list of practical jokes, a list of the lengths of all of you socks, a list of the various types of mould growing in your cupboards, a list of all the things you could throw at you lecturer during lectures, a list of reasons why Top Gear is the best TV programme ever, a list of reasons why Big Brother isn't.
21. Explore Your Feminine Side
Or masculine side if your a woman. Which I'm not. The title of this could also be 'come out of the closet' but hey, you're avoiding revision, desperate times call for desperate measures. Grab a tube of foundation and smear it on to such an extent that you can no longer define the curves your face has. Go overboard with blusher, mascara, lipstick, eyeliner, nail varnish, body glitter, concealer, eyebrow pencil, cement, WD-40, Ronseal and anything else you can find in your sisters makeup box. Then take an hour to do your hair, another hour to decide which outfit to wear, then sit and read Heat magazine, go have a manicure, drink wine and generally gossip for no reason. Women can grow their stubble, scratch their backsides, spend Saturdays glued to the football, drinking beer, eating crisps, talking about breasts and explosions and stuff.
22. Paint A Fence
Because nothing says "I have nothing better to be doing" than getting out a paintbrush and painting a fence, the surrounding grass and plants, your shoes and the next-door neighbours cat bright red.
23. Spray Your Kitchen Floor With Furniture Polish, Then Slide On It In Your Socks
Just because.
24. Race Trolleys Round A Supermarket
This helps if you have friends, which after doing Number 21, you might not have. For this you will need £2 (to get the trolleys) a Tesco (or similar) and nerves of steel. You'll need to plan a course first, preferably starting at the elecrical goods and ending up near the frozen stuff at the other end. Start side by side, and race along the suggested route, picking up certain items on the way (to show you aren't cheating) first one to get caught by a security guard, crash into a huge stack of baked beans or generally injure themself loses, and has to pay for the shopping.
25. Blog
This has taken me ages. I can't think of a better way to waste time!
Random
She'll either be early or late....So what you're trying to say is she won't arrive at EXACTLY quarter past then? How conclusive of you. People need to think more before they speak.
Blu-tack. A rather odd tasting alternative to sellotape.
Why is it a pair of trousers? It's one thing. Unless all my jeans have major manufacturing faults in them.
Am i the only one that thinks Fall Out Boy's new song is just as shit as their old stuff?
"M&G Vans, Trucks, Cars Self Drive Ltd" And I have one of their mugs because......
Whatever happened to Mr. Men lollies?
Why is it that all new 'indie' bands sound EXACTLY THE BLOODY SAME???? New music is shite!
Never go to Blackpool without a coat of some description.
Why do sick people have to walk all the way to the back of the shop to pick up prescriptions, when healthy people can kill themselves with cigarettes right at the front? Surely some injustice here? Make the nicotine dependent fools walk to the back of the bloody shop!
Was it just me or was it freakishly warm yesterday?
Why is it that even Myspcae is crap these days?
Is it really necessary to write AMBULANCE backwards on the front of an ambulance? Because the big red cross, sirens and flashy blue lights aren't good enough?
How come Santa has never been done for Breaking and Entering?
Anyone else remember that 'Do It With Madonna' song from a couple of years back?
If you were that kid in the Stacy's Mom video, surely you'd be content with Stacy, and not bother with the mum?
Blah blah blah, I'm really boring, blah blah, i'm wearing a really horrible tie, blah blah blah, boring, blah, accounting, blah, beard, blah blah, BLAH, boring. Exactly what i heard during an 'educational' video today in a lecture.
Why does everyone consider Elmo to be the best Sesame Street character? He's rubbish!
Am I the only one who thinks that Fightstar are actually good?
If you hit it hard enough, would you be able to crack your own kneecap with a teaspoon?
Anyone fancy a game of Battleships?
KT Tunstall is oddly attractive. Discuss.
Throwing events at the olympics are crap. Discus.
If you leave milk long enough will it eventually turn into a fleet of microscopic cows?
If they can put a man on the moon, surely they can invent a smoke alarm that doesnt go off when you're cooking chips?
Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast?
Are Jacques Villeneuve and Frediie Ljunberg actually the same person? You've never seen them in the same place at the same time!
Golf or Squash?
What's with men's 'fashion' nowadays? Everything is either pink, stripey or both. I JUST WANT A FLIPPING T-SHIRT!
Sugar. An alternative to salt. Try it on your fish and chips next time.
People with red hair shouldn't wear white, for risk of looking like a bollard.
What's the difference between a spade and a shovel?
Is it me, or is 'Fridgemaster' the single best name for a desk fan, ever?
How did the Americans end up calling trousers 'pants'?
Since when did legwarmers become fashionable again? I've seen a whole 2 people wearing them, and the still looked ridiculous.
What's your name?
If you necked an entire packet of Vitamin C tablets, would you be immune from scurvy forever?
How come men are no longer 'handsome' and women are no longer beautiful?
For a refreshing shop, try putting your wallet in the freezer for an hour before shopping.
Shouldn't they just go ahead and ban all other cerals, thus acknowledging that Crunchy Nut rules supreme?
Speaking of cereal, whatever happened to Ricicles, the cereal with little marshmallow stars and moons and stuff in?
Imagine if the earth was made of meringue.
Blu-tack. A rather odd tasting alternative to sellotape.
Why is it a pair of trousers? It's one thing. Unless all my jeans have major manufacturing faults in them.
Am i the only one that thinks Fall Out Boy's new song is just as shit as their old stuff?
"M&G Vans, Trucks, Cars Self Drive Ltd" And I have one of their mugs because......
Whatever happened to Mr. Men lollies?
Why is it that all new 'indie' bands sound EXACTLY THE BLOODY SAME???? New music is shite!
Never go to Blackpool without a coat of some description.
Why do sick people have to walk all the way to the back of the shop to pick up prescriptions, when healthy people can kill themselves with cigarettes right at the front? Surely some injustice here? Make the nicotine dependent fools walk to the back of the bloody shop!
Was it just me or was it freakishly warm yesterday?
Why is it that even Myspcae is crap these days?
Is it really necessary to write AMBULANCE backwards on the front of an ambulance? Because the big red cross, sirens and flashy blue lights aren't good enough?
How come Santa has never been done for Breaking and Entering?
Anyone else remember that 'Do It With Madonna' song from a couple of years back?
If you were that kid in the Stacy's Mom video, surely you'd be content with Stacy, and not bother with the mum?
Blah blah blah, I'm really boring, blah blah, i'm wearing a really horrible tie, blah blah blah, boring, blah, accounting, blah, beard, blah blah, BLAH, boring. Exactly what i heard during an 'educational' video today in a lecture.
Why does everyone consider Elmo to be the best Sesame Street character? He's rubbish!
Am I the only one who thinks that Fightstar are actually good?
If you hit it hard enough, would you be able to crack your own kneecap with a teaspoon?
Anyone fancy a game of Battleships?
KT Tunstall is oddly attractive. Discuss.
Throwing events at the olympics are crap. Discus.
If you leave milk long enough will it eventually turn into a fleet of microscopic cows?
If they can put a man on the moon, surely they can invent a smoke alarm that doesnt go off when you're cooking chips?
Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast?
Are Jacques Villeneuve and Frediie Ljunberg actually the same person? You've never seen them in the same place at the same time!
Golf or Squash?
What's with men's 'fashion' nowadays? Everything is either pink, stripey or both. I JUST WANT A FLIPPING T-SHIRT!
Sugar. An alternative to salt. Try it on your fish and chips next time.
People with red hair shouldn't wear white, for risk of looking like a bollard.
What's the difference between a spade and a shovel?
Is it me, or is 'Fridgemaster' the single best name for a desk fan, ever?
How did the Americans end up calling trousers 'pants'?
Since when did legwarmers become fashionable again? I've seen a whole 2 people wearing them, and the still looked ridiculous.
What's your name?
If you necked an entire packet of Vitamin C tablets, would you be immune from scurvy forever?
How come men are no longer 'handsome' and women are no longer beautiful?
For a refreshing shop, try putting your wallet in the freezer for an hour before shopping.
Shouldn't they just go ahead and ban all other cerals, thus acknowledging that Crunchy Nut rules supreme?
Speaking of cereal, whatever happened to Ricicles, the cereal with little marshmallow stars and moons and stuff in?
Imagine if the earth was made of meringue.
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