25 Things to do instead of revision

This was written a couple of weeks ago, but could use an apperance on here

1. Clean
Being a student, living in a student house with other students, things become messy, dirty and otherwise in need of buffing, hoovering, tidying, polishing, waxing, binning or otherwise being made cleaner (how does binning something make it cleaner? meh) And seeing as there will always be something to clean, then revision can be avoided thusly. Although after a while, the fumes from the various cleaning products will take their toll, and you'll be hallucinating for the entire evening. Plus your back will be in a permanent curve and your cleaning hand will be redder than an albino in the Bahamas

2. Surf
Depending on if your Australian or not, this can take 2 different forms: grabbing a piece of ludicrously coloured foam with fins on the bottom, pulling yourself into an outfit so unbeliveably tight that it was last seen in a bondage movie, then going to your nearest piece of lumpy water and dodging the sharks; or the more sensible option, sitting at an Internet at wasting your day. Seeing as I am very much not Australian, and if I took a surf board on the Humber it would most likely dissolve, you can guess which one i've been doing.

3. Sleep
Why not? It requires next to no effort, it's (relatively) comfortable (depending on state of matress) and it makes the hours fly by. Unless you forget to turn your alarm off and you get rudely woken up.

4. Doodle
Three things required: an implemenet for drawing (pen, pencil, crayon, felt tip, knife, your own blood, Mr. Sheen), something to draw on (paper, envelope, useless lotto ticket, the wall, the desk, your own forehead) and the imagination of a 6-year-old. Marvel as you draw flags, cars, band logos, desert islands, comic strips, cubes, your name a thousand times and various other crap.

5. Organise Stuff
Put your Cd's in alphabetical order, the order of year released, then in order of how crap they are. Sort your clothes into colour groups, then hang them in the order of the rainbow. File your boxer shorts so that they rank in order from 'Night On The Pull' to 'Crap, these are the last pair, best do some washing'. Arrange your food into 4 groups: Squishy, Mouldy, Not Food and This would hurt if you threw it at someone.

6. Hunt For Loose Change
Look high and low, there's pennies to be found! Start at the sofa (obviously) then move further afield. The washing machine, your housemates rooms, your room, your pockets, your wallet, the street, the local shop, the bank and the Royal Mint. Look hard enough and you'll be loaded! (or in prison. Either way)

7. Sit On A Bench
And watch the world pass by. Rank people on whether you would sleep with them or not (be as shallow as you like, its your mind, no-one cares), make up background stories for strangers as they pass by. That way, Dave the Butcher can become Dave Forrelli, Mafia Goon, and Chardonnay the Chav can become.......Chardonnay the Chav. Count people wearing gilet's, spot the number of people wearing trackie bottoms tucked into their socks, spit paper at passers by through a biro casing.

8. Go Into The City Centre
And window shop. Or better still, annoy staff. I get it all the time from customers at work, why shouldn't I be annoying? Go into Burtons, try on every single pair of jeans (even the ones not in your size) the leave them in a pile in the changing booth. Ask to see the most expensive thing in a jewlers then drop it 'accidently'. Pester the Big Issue man. Stop and talk to the people doing surveys in the street and give them stupid answers. Go into a toy shop and press all of the 'Try Me' buttons on the toys, just to see how loud they go. Feed the pigeons. Feed the homeless. Feed yourself. Start a gang fight between chavs and emos.

9. Watch A DVD Boxset Non-Stop
And see how long it is before you a) Need the toilet; b) Need a drink c) It gets dark d) Your eyes go square from watching too much telly e) Rigor mortis sets in. Anyone doing a '24' Marathon is to be highly commended.

10. Go 'David Attenborough' And Search For Animals
You can use this handy check-list. Next door's cat, Next door's dog, Next door's budgie, Next door's daughter, a squirrel, a bird (all birds in this country are exactly the same, no matter what Bill Oddie tells you), 2 birds, a mouse/rat, a chicken (Sainsbury's is usually a good place to find these. Right next to the Beef), a moose (why not) and a sloth (usually yourself. You're avoiding revision, that counts as slothful to me)

11. Start A Protest
Doesn't matter what you protest against. At all. But make sure that you protest group name has a witty name. Something like Fathers Against Rude Television (FART) or something similar. Or protest against everything. Carry a signa round saying 'Down With Everything' or 'Everything Sucks'. Even better, protest against your revision. Get Lego men to march around your text books chanting 'Down With Exams'. Or not, that's a bit too weird.

12. Become A Youtube Star
Take one videocamera, a song you know all the words to and *bam*, your own Youtube-esque video. Seriously, it's full of teenage girls and nerdy boys lipsynching along to some song or the other. Makes you wonder who watches them. Alternatively, get quite drunk, and jump of something and hurt yourself. That way people the world over can watch you make a total tit of yourself, and think to themselves "at least I'm not as big an idiot as this guy"

13. Play Online Poker
Find an Internet, find an online poker site (easy, sit there for 10 minutes with your pop-up blocker turned off, at least 90 will appear), enter a random credit card number (repeat till successful), give yourself a witty poker name (PokRg0d or something) and there you go. By the way, some knowledge of how poker is played helps. Otherwise you're just gonna waste someone elses money, and where's the fun in that?

14. Try Online Dating
Along with the old Poker Room, and XXX Movie pop-ups that flood your computer screen, there'll usually be one for online dating. Try it. Who knows, it mighht be the start of something great. Don't forget that none of these people are what they seem. So when filling in your profile 'bend the truth' a little. Make yourself a few inches taller, a little more muscley, give yourself a better job, add some letters after your name to make you sound really clever (preferably something like PhD, not PLANK) and make up interest. Just because you dont actually like looking after sick animals, volunteering at the homeless shelter and bathing old people at the retirement home, doesn't mean that other people don't like people who do. I mean, let's be honest, if you put that you're a 5'6" lard arse who drinkis like a fish and smokes like a chimney, no-ones gonna want to eDate you. They know your lying, because they are too. She's not a 6ft leggy blonde called Anneka, she's a short fat lass called Jill.

15. Play Computer Games
There's nothing like a good videogame to while away the hours. I mean, what would you rather do, blow up an alien spaceship and save the world, or try to memorise how to do an external audit? Exactly. The most time consuming games are ones with 'Tycoon', 'Theme' or 'Grand Theft Auto' in the title. Rollercoaster Tycoon is a brilliant way to not revise. Theme Goat Farm is probably really good. Yoghurt Tycoon is probably a bit rubbish though.

16. Take A Really, Really Long Shower
I'm talking 2 hours here. Just stand there under the water and think of things. Watch the water drip off yourself. Sit down, just to see what it's like to sit in a shower. Put the plug in, and marvel as you end up ankle deep in your own filthy water. Test your pain threshold by slowly turning the temperature. Lie down and let the white noise of the shower slowly soothe you (or is that just me who finds white noise calming?) Make comedy beards out of suds. Use an entire bottle of shower gel. Pretend you're in a monsoon. It'll all be worth it when you get out the most relaxed person in the world, just to see your housemates standing cross legged outside the bathroom, giving them a taste of what its like when they do it to you.

17. Listen To A New Radio Station
Not just one of those other commercial ones. I mean switch to AM, MW or LW, and slowly checking every single frequency to see what wonders you may uncover. You may find the delights of a rather lonely man talking to himself, or a radio station that plays "Love In An Elevator" by Aerosmith over and over again. You might find Radio Luxembourg, which plays "Only The Best In Cheesey European Crap Every Single Day" If you're lucky you'll discover a police or taxi firm's frequency, which is the most addictive thing ever. Listening to what the police are doing is like a reality TV show, but on the radio, and actually real! "We've got a group of Chavs standing around doing nothing, we should go investigate"

18. Dance
The Hokey Cokey, The YMCA, The Bop, The Bounce, The Shuffle, The Swank, The Robot, The Macarena, The Ballroom Blitz, The "Generic Pop Hit That Has Dance Moves", The Mosh, The Linedance, The Pogo, The Dad Dance, The Mum Dance, The Old Lady Shuffle, The Walking To The Dancefloor Dance, The Peppermint Twist, The Two Left Feet, The Aeroplane, The Blitzkreig Bop, Salsa, Rhumba, Ballroom, Waltz, Jive, Mambo, Jumbo, Stagger, All The Ones From Grease and that one from Saturday Night Fever. All perfectly acceptable forms of avoiding revision.

19. Inahle Helium
Because you can. And should. No-one should go through their life without hearing what they sound like on helium. And don't say "Oh, it doesn't work on me" It does. You're just doing it wrong. Inhale loads, pause, talk normally, don't breathe in heavily. There you go, Mr. Squeaky Voice. Things to do with a squeaky voice: Laugh, see how high you can go, sing a Kooks song and generally make other people laugh. Anyone that doesnt find helium funny doesnt have a sense of humour.

20. Make A List
Your favourite songs, everyone in your year at school, everything in your room, the things you can see from your window, the people you've beaten at online poker, all the people you've properly upset in your life, a 'My Name Is Earl' style list, a list of your favourite movies, a list of your favourite cheeses, a thankyou list, a thanks for nothing list, a list of lists, a list of things to do instead of revision, a list of people (no-one in particular, just people), a list of all the German words you know, a list of swearwords, a list of practical jokes, a list of the lengths of all of you socks, a list of the various types of mould growing in your cupboards, a list of all the things you could throw at you lecturer during lectures, a list of reasons why Top Gear is the best TV programme ever, a list of reasons why Big Brother isn't.

21. Explore Your Feminine Side
Or masculine side if your a woman. Which I'm not. The title of this could also be 'come out of the closet' but hey, you're avoiding revision, desperate times call for desperate measures. Grab a tube of foundation and smear it on to such an extent that you can no longer define the curves your face has. Go overboard with blusher, mascara, lipstick, eyeliner, nail varnish, body glitter, concealer, eyebrow pencil, cement, WD-40, Ronseal and anything else you can find in your sisters makeup box. Then take an hour to do your hair, another hour to decide which outfit to wear, then sit and read Heat magazine, go have a manicure, drink wine and generally gossip for no reason. Women can grow their stubble, scratch their backsides, spend Saturdays glued to the football, drinking beer, eating crisps, talking about breasts and explosions and stuff.

22. Paint A Fence
Because nothing says "I have nothing better to be doing" than getting out a paintbrush and painting a fence, the surrounding grass and plants, your shoes and the next-door neighbours cat bright red.

23. Spray Your Kitchen Floor With Furniture Polish, Then Slide On It In Your Socks
Just because.

24. Race Trolleys Round A Supermarket
This helps if you have friends, which after doing Number 21, you might not have. For this you will need £2 (to get the trolleys) a Tesco (or similar) and nerves of steel. You'll need to plan a course first, preferably starting at the elecrical goods and ending up near the frozen stuff at the other end. Start side by side, and race along the suggested route, picking up certain items on the way (to show you aren't cheating) first one to get caught by a security guard, crash into a huge stack of baked beans or generally injure themself loses, and has to pay for the shopping.

25. Blog
This has taken me ages. I can't think of a better way to waste time!

Random

She'll either be early or late....So what you're trying to say is she won't arrive at EXACTLY quarter past then? How conclusive of you. People need to think more before they speak.

Blu-tack. A rather odd tasting alternative to sellotape.

Why is it a pair of trousers? It's one thing. Unless all my jeans have major manufacturing faults in them.

Am i the only one that thinks Fall Out Boy's new song is just as shit as their old stuff?

"M&G Vans, Trucks, Cars Self Drive Ltd" And I have one of their mugs because......

Whatever happened to Mr. Men lollies?

Why is it that all new 'indie' bands sound EXACTLY THE BLOODY SAME???? New music is shite!

Never go to Blackpool without a coat of some description.

Why do sick people have to walk all the way to the back of the shop to pick up prescriptions, when healthy people can kill themselves with cigarettes right at the front? Surely some injustice here? Make the nicotine dependent fools walk to the back of the bloody shop!

Was it just me or was it freakishly warm yesterday?

Why is it that even Myspcae is crap these days?

Is it really necessary to write AMBULANCE backwards on the front of an ambulance? Because the big red cross, sirens and flashy blue lights aren't good enough?

How come Santa has never been done for Breaking and Entering?

Anyone else remember that 'Do It With Madonna' song from a couple of years back?

If you were that kid in the Stacy's Mom video, surely you'd be content with Stacy, and not bother with the mum?

Blah blah blah, I'm really boring, blah blah, i'm wearing a really horrible tie, blah blah blah, boring, blah, accounting, blah, beard, blah blah, BLAH, boring. Exactly what i heard during an 'educational' video today in a lecture.

Why does everyone consider Elmo to be the best Sesame Street character? He's rubbish!

Am I the only one who thinks that Fightstar are actually good?

If you hit it hard enough, would you be able to crack your own kneecap with a teaspoon?

Anyone fancy a game of Battleships?

KT Tunstall is oddly attractive. Discuss.

Throwing events at the olympics are crap. Discus.

If you leave milk long enough will it eventually turn into a fleet of microscopic cows?

If they can put a man on the moon, surely they can invent a smoke alarm that doesnt go off when you're cooking chips?

Why do toasters have a setting that burns toast?

Are Jacques Villeneuve and Frediie Ljunberg actually the same person? You've never seen them in the same place at the same time!

Golf or Squash?

What's with men's 'fashion' nowadays? Everything is either pink, stripey or both. I JUST WANT A FLIPPING T-SHIRT!

Sugar. An alternative to salt. Try it on your fish and chips next time.

People with red hair shouldn't wear white, for risk of looking like a bollard.

What's the difference between a spade and a shovel?

Is it me, or is 'Fridgemaster' the single best name for a desk fan, ever?

How did the Americans end up calling trousers 'pants'?

Since when did legwarmers become fashionable again? I've seen a whole 2 people wearing them, and the still looked ridiculous.

What's your name?

If you necked an entire packet of Vitamin C tablets, would you be immune from scurvy forever?

How come men are no longer 'handsome' and women are no longer beautiful?

For a refreshing shop, try putting your wallet in the freezer for an hour before shopping.

Shouldn't they just go ahead and ban all other cerals, thus acknowledging that Crunchy Nut rules supreme?

Speaking of cereal, whatever happened to Ricicles, the cereal with little marshmallow stars and moons and stuff in?

Imagine if the earth was made of meringue.