Valentine Schmalentine

Evening to all.
On Wednesday, I went to Leeds Metropolitan University (or Leeds Met for lazy people) to see Bowling For Soup, Wheatus, Son Of Dork (ahem!) and Army Of Freshmen, or collectivley, The Get Happy Tour. On top of that, I got to meet said bands after the show. Although Weatus had pneumonia, so didn't play or meet us after the show. Never mind.

Wednesday began like most Wednesdays, in a bed (more often than not, my bed. Ok, always my bed), with the sun beating through the window, waking me up precisely 2 minutes before my alarm goes off. (Ok, so the sun doesn't usually 'beat' down, more of a 'ah feck it, they can see, why get any brighter'. And my blind is broken. Again.) Except this Wednsday happened to be St. Valentine's Day (was he a saint? Or did I make that up?) Big Woop. After ambling downstairs, seeing that the only form of post just inside the front door was from kebab shops and letters to the guy who used to live here telling him he owes 02 loads of money, I shuffled into the kitchen, poured a bowl of cereal, realised the milk was at least a week out of date, binned cereal, poured glass of delicious (hmmm.....) Pear & Blackberry squash, drunk squash, realised i was wearing only my boxers, then shuffled back up to bed. Decided i couldn't be arsed with more sleep, engaged in some online Valentine's banter with online friends, went to "The Range". came back, wished people a happy valentines day, went to gig.

Now, I say 'went to gig', what i actually meant was, 'follow really shit directions to place i've never been in Leeds, get totally lost, only just m,ake it, leaving parent driving around Leeds trying to find somewhere to park'. Honestly, the directions we got (off the website of a reputable directions giving and breakdown assistance company) were what can only be described as a perfectly useless waste of a small tree. "Enter the gyratory system" Gyratory? What, we have to shake our booty and generally gyrate a bit now do we? "And the traffic signals, turn left" Ok, we're at the traffic signals. However, if we turn left here, we'll have an accident, and probably cause quite a bit of damage to this building. "At the square, keep going forwards, then turn right" What square? Forwards? What do you think we were doing, driving sideways? Turn right? Down what, the pavement? Anyway, after going the wrong way, then going the wrong way coming back from going the wrong way, then going what we thought was the right way but was actually the wrong way, we asked a taxi driver. Who sent us the wrong way. Again. We EVENTUALLY saw the only sign we'd seen for the university, and decided to bail out and go on foot. After finding the queue, queuing, getting in, seeing Wheatus weren't playing, listening to Sim stating the obvious. I decided a drink was in order. Apparently you need to have 18+ written on your hand to get a drink, so i found some bloke with a stamper to check my age and stamp my hand. For some reason everyone else got their hand stamped, then proceeded to buy lemonade. Hang on folks, last time I checked, lemonade was totally alcohol free. In fact, i'd go as far as saying that my desk contains more alcohol. And the fact that you all had decided not to drink alcohol for a week (and also decided not to inform me about this), so WHY BOTHER GETTING YOUR HAND STAMPED? Anyway, had fun at the gig, had fun meeting the bands, then had fun sleeping when i got home.

I found a 10 Euro Note about a month ago, and all it has been doing is clogging up my wallet, sitting there pretending to be a tenner and making me look like a right arse when I've been in shops. Now, anyone else would have found a ten pound note, and would have spent it by now. But me, oh no, I find a perfectly useless 10 Euro note, which I can only spend in Europe or Ireland (which will cost me more than the denomination of the note to get to to spend it). I can't chnage it anywhere becuase they all want about 84% commision, leaving me with precisely 48p (maybe). Will someone buy this stupid note off me?! (I believe £7 is the going rate)

It Is Fine To Smile, But Also To Cry

Evenin' all.
The title of this blog came from a fortune cookie I got with my Chinese earlier this evening. I have a problem with this. Firstly, how, in any way, shape, or form, in any dimension, viewed from any angle through any strength of lens, can that be construed as a fortune? When I crack open a fortune cookie, I expect something like 'you will find love with a new woman', or in my case 'not a chance mate, she's far too good for you' (would a chinese fortune cookie really referto you as its mate?). What I got, was some kind of statement, with a smiley face before and afetr the text. Which, in itself, is contradictory of the fortune. And fortune cookies are bloody awful. If I was in charge of fortune cookies, they'd be proper choc chips efforts with proper fortunes in, not any of this philospohical nonsense. People want their fortune cookie to tell them if they're gonna win the lottery, not that its ok to cry and smile.

Wine. More particularly, Rose wine (i know rose should have an accent over the 'e' but i don't know how to do one, alright?) Even more particularly, men who drink rose wine in pubs. STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! Get a pint down you for Christ sake! You can tell the people who will drink rose (which is actually one of the worst substances I've ever had the misfortune of ingesting. And i've drunk Lilt Light, which tastes like I should be cleaning my paintbrushes in it) by what they're wearing. They can tell they think they're really individual and unique, when in reality, they all look the same. A pink/stripey/both t-shirt, their girlfriends jeans, Converse shoes (black only though), scarf even though they're clearly inside a nice, warm, heated, not in the slightest bit cold public house (take it off! Grrr!) and a belt that looks like it's sole purpose is to hold their arse in place, rather than their jeans (which of course, being a size 6, don't need any holding in place, as they are pretty much vacuum-sealed to the skin). You don't look 'individual', you look like a twat. Especially now you have a glass of pink stuff in your hand. They might as well be drinking a candy floss flavoured Panda Pop (remember those? How nice were they?!?!) Men should be banned from drinking rose wine. I havent a problem if its a glass of white or red with a meal, or sharing a bottle of plonk with their girlfriend on a night out, but not having a bottle of White Zinfandel EACH on a lads night out. Put it down, save yourself money, the enevitabley god-awful hangover that wine enduces, and just the whole embarrassment of actually drinking something the same colour as your 'salmon' coloured (it's pink, stop passing it off as a fish) top, and just get a pint down your neck. Or even a spirit/mixer combination. Shoot, even drink some Mercury if you have to, just step away from the wine.

While I'm hovering around the subject of effeminate looking blokes, what's with mens fashion these days? It is either something pink, something with stripes on, or a combination of the two. I look like an idiot in stripes, and I refuse to wear pink, at risk of looking like a Grade-A pillock. I can't pull of most of the t-shirts that dont have stripes or pink on as they seem to have really short sleeves, and I have stupidly long arms, which means i look like a wally. If I wear a tank top over a white shirt i'll be able to lie on a zebra crossing and blend in, which can't be a good look and ANYONE (women included) caught wearing a Gilet of any description should be made to walk around wearing only a potato sack for crimes against fashion. (honestly, gilets, or body warmers are pointless. This may sound daft, but the bit of me that i tend to want to be warm, is my arms, hence rendering bodywarmers stupid. So there). As a result, i'm left with all my band t-shirts and football shirts, and thats it. I have nothing in a smart/casual style, which usually winds up with me looking foolishly under-dressed for occassions ( i don't go naked, that'd scare people, i mean compared with people looking smart). Any suggestions would be greatly welcome. Only if the suggestions dont result in me spending more than a tenner a tshirt though. I'm not made of money.

I'm doing stand-up next month. I'm not quite sure how I ended being the only person I know doing it, but I have. And if i'm being honest, I'm bricking it. In fact, i'm bricking it that much, that pretty soon i'll have bricked it enough to have bricked myself into my room and not have to do it! I've realised that it's bloody hard to be funny when you're trying to be funny, but easy when you're not. Which doesnt bode well, as the last time I looked, the point of stand up comedy, is to be funny. If anyone could lend me a joke or two, that'd be appreciated (send them privatley though, don't want people stealing things now, do we?)
I still haven't played Battleships with anyone yet. I bought it for 50p from work (it's good as well, not some tack crap. Was reduced from a fiver!) about 3 weeks ago and still no-one has given me a game! It's sat collecting dust. I just stare at it longingly, imagining playing people (B7. Miss. C$. Hit. Woo yeah! etc) So here's an open inviation, for anyone to knock on my door at any time and play me at Battleships. And if worst comes to worst, i'll put it in my bag and start challenging people in the libary at uni to a game.

Ok, last thing (blimey, I go on a bit, don't I?). Apparently, it's Valentine's Day on Wednesday. i'll admit I've spent since Thursday thinking it's Hallowe'en for some reason, but that's my problem. Anyway, I don't like Valentine's Day. I never have. It's just an excuse to pay lot of money for pieces of folded, printed card (I swear I saw one the other day going for £9. £9, for a card. You might as well buy her something she might actually like for that!). That and for people to get overly sentimental and slushy for one day a year, so they can go back to hating each other on the 15th. Do you know what I'm doing for Valentine's Day? Nope, not sod all, as you may have expected, but I'm in Leeds to see Bowling For Soup live. Wich I imagine will be infinatley more fun that doing what I'd be doing otherwise, which would be being at work, surrounded by people glued to each other's faces, stpping only to buy 20 Marlboro Lights (why do all students that smoke, smoke Marlboro Lights? They're the most expensive, call yourself students?! Oh, I forgot, Mummy and Daddy are paying for you, so it doesnt matter). ANYway, where was I? Ah yes, Cupidfest 2007. I actually thought about why I disliked Valentines so much, and then it hit me. Maybe it's because i've never been with anyone when a Valentine's day has come around. Maybe it really is a day when couples can feel really happy and express their love through the medium of Sainsbury's Fudge. Maybe I need to find out if this is true. Maybe I need a Valentine to stop me being this bitter, twisted, slightly in need of a shave, guy who hates Valentines day? Maybe. Although I'm at BFS this year, so if by sheer fluke there is someone out there stupid enough to want to get all Valentiney with me, you're gonna have to wait till the 15th I'm afraid. Sorry.

Beer (To the tune of Rose by The Feeling)

You and your friends
In 6-Packs again
Cool to the touch
But warm in some pubs
Cider to your left
Bitter to your right
Are drinks that I've seen
But I know that the beer that I seek
Lies right in-between

Beer
I want ya
Especially today
Beer
I want your manlier taste

Your better than wine
You taste so damn fine
Again and again
You may taste like crap
When poured from a tap
By a rubbish barmaid
But I couldnt care
The taste that i need is the taste you made
I won't be afraid
Now your in control
But you'll make me pay

Beer,
I need you,
Especially today,
Beer,
I've had a terrible day.

I don't care if your Dutch
'Cos you don't cost that much
You're not wine that's red
You've got much better head
I think amber's my colour
I wont drink from no other
Never!

Oh your gorgeous
I want you today
In every way
Oh Beer
I want ya
I want you today
Beer
I love your manlier way.