It Is Fine To Smile, But Also To Cry

Evenin' all.
The title of this blog came from a fortune cookie I got with my Chinese earlier this evening. I have a problem with this. Firstly, how, in any way, shape, or form, in any dimension, viewed from any angle through any strength of lens, can that be construed as a fortune? When I crack open a fortune cookie, I expect something like 'you will find love with a new woman', or in my case 'not a chance mate, she's far too good for you' (would a chinese fortune cookie really referto you as its mate?). What I got, was some kind of statement, with a smiley face before and afetr the text. Which, in itself, is contradictory of the fortune. And fortune cookies are bloody awful. If I was in charge of fortune cookies, they'd be proper choc chips efforts with proper fortunes in, not any of this philospohical nonsense. People want their fortune cookie to tell them if they're gonna win the lottery, not that its ok to cry and smile.

Wine. More particularly, Rose wine (i know rose should have an accent over the 'e' but i don't know how to do one, alright?) Even more particularly, men who drink rose wine in pubs. STOP IT! RIGHT NOW! Get a pint down you for Christ sake! You can tell the people who will drink rose (which is actually one of the worst substances I've ever had the misfortune of ingesting. And i've drunk Lilt Light, which tastes like I should be cleaning my paintbrushes in it) by what they're wearing. They can tell they think they're really individual and unique, when in reality, they all look the same. A pink/stripey/both t-shirt, their girlfriends jeans, Converse shoes (black only though), scarf even though they're clearly inside a nice, warm, heated, not in the slightest bit cold public house (take it off! Grrr!) and a belt that looks like it's sole purpose is to hold their arse in place, rather than their jeans (which of course, being a size 6, don't need any holding in place, as they are pretty much vacuum-sealed to the skin). You don't look 'individual', you look like a twat. Especially now you have a glass of pink stuff in your hand. They might as well be drinking a candy floss flavoured Panda Pop (remember those? How nice were they?!?!) Men should be banned from drinking rose wine. I havent a problem if its a glass of white or red with a meal, or sharing a bottle of plonk with their girlfriend on a night out, but not having a bottle of White Zinfandel EACH on a lads night out. Put it down, save yourself money, the enevitabley god-awful hangover that wine enduces, and just the whole embarrassment of actually drinking something the same colour as your 'salmon' coloured (it's pink, stop passing it off as a fish) top, and just get a pint down your neck. Or even a spirit/mixer combination. Shoot, even drink some Mercury if you have to, just step away from the wine.

While I'm hovering around the subject of effeminate looking blokes, what's with mens fashion these days? It is either something pink, something with stripes on, or a combination of the two. I look like an idiot in stripes, and I refuse to wear pink, at risk of looking like a Grade-A pillock. I can't pull of most of the t-shirts that dont have stripes or pink on as they seem to have really short sleeves, and I have stupidly long arms, which means i look like a wally. If I wear a tank top over a white shirt i'll be able to lie on a zebra crossing and blend in, which can't be a good look and ANYONE (women included) caught wearing a Gilet of any description should be made to walk around wearing only a potato sack for crimes against fashion. (honestly, gilets, or body warmers are pointless. This may sound daft, but the bit of me that i tend to want to be warm, is my arms, hence rendering bodywarmers stupid. So there). As a result, i'm left with all my band t-shirts and football shirts, and thats it. I have nothing in a smart/casual style, which usually winds up with me looking foolishly under-dressed for occassions ( i don't go naked, that'd scare people, i mean compared with people looking smart). Any suggestions would be greatly welcome. Only if the suggestions dont result in me spending more than a tenner a tshirt though. I'm not made of money.

I'm doing stand-up next month. I'm not quite sure how I ended being the only person I know doing it, but I have. And if i'm being honest, I'm bricking it. In fact, i'm bricking it that much, that pretty soon i'll have bricked it enough to have bricked myself into my room and not have to do it! I've realised that it's bloody hard to be funny when you're trying to be funny, but easy when you're not. Which doesnt bode well, as the last time I looked, the point of stand up comedy, is to be funny. If anyone could lend me a joke or two, that'd be appreciated (send them privatley though, don't want people stealing things now, do we?)
I still haven't played Battleships with anyone yet. I bought it for 50p from work (it's good as well, not some tack crap. Was reduced from a fiver!) about 3 weeks ago and still no-one has given me a game! It's sat collecting dust. I just stare at it longingly, imagining playing people (B7. Miss. C$. Hit. Woo yeah! etc) So here's an open inviation, for anyone to knock on my door at any time and play me at Battleships. And if worst comes to worst, i'll put it in my bag and start challenging people in the libary at uni to a game.

Ok, last thing (blimey, I go on a bit, don't I?). Apparently, it's Valentine's Day on Wednesday. i'll admit I've spent since Thursday thinking it's Hallowe'en for some reason, but that's my problem. Anyway, I don't like Valentine's Day. I never have. It's just an excuse to pay lot of money for pieces of folded, printed card (I swear I saw one the other day going for £9. £9, for a card. You might as well buy her something she might actually like for that!). That and for people to get overly sentimental and slushy for one day a year, so they can go back to hating each other on the 15th. Do you know what I'm doing for Valentine's Day? Nope, not sod all, as you may have expected, but I'm in Leeds to see Bowling For Soup live. Wich I imagine will be infinatley more fun that doing what I'd be doing otherwise, which would be being at work, surrounded by people glued to each other's faces, stpping only to buy 20 Marlboro Lights (why do all students that smoke, smoke Marlboro Lights? They're the most expensive, call yourself students?! Oh, I forgot, Mummy and Daddy are paying for you, so it doesnt matter). ANYway, where was I? Ah yes, Cupidfest 2007. I actually thought about why I disliked Valentines so much, and then it hit me. Maybe it's because i've never been with anyone when a Valentine's day has come around. Maybe it really is a day when couples can feel really happy and express their love through the medium of Sainsbury's Fudge. Maybe I need to find out if this is true. Maybe I need a Valentine to stop me being this bitter, twisted, slightly in need of a shave, guy who hates Valentines day? Maybe. Although I'm at BFS this year, so if by sheer fluke there is someone out there stupid enough to want to get all Valentiney with me, you're gonna have to wait till the 15th I'm afraid. Sorry.